


me-pretty

by ethandiesofdysentery



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, Makeup, Mild Angst, Nonbinary Character, Other, breakdowns, goth bf video aftermath where ethan has an Uh Oh Moment, mika is best girlfriend, nonbinary!Ethan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23803876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ethandiesofdysentery/pseuds/ethandiesofdysentery
Summary: Despite his best efforts, Ethan’s eyes still drift back to his own reflection. He wonders if he can break the clean glass surface by thinking about it hard enough - that may be the only way he can stop himself from staring at the person in the mirror.He says “the person in the mirror” not because it feels like it’s anyone other than him. He says it because this may be the first time it feels like it is him.“This is right.” He can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth the second Mika places a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Mika, why is this right?”
Relationships: Mika Midgett/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 15
Kudos: 176





	me-pretty

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was ALL w!!! they deserve all the love for it bc they BODIED THIS SHIT FR. k only wrote like four sentences. yes it is k admitting this. i was busy dude. work.
> 
> ANYWAYS DISCLAIMER TIME: this is Not A Real! we respect and love ethan and mika, and this fic is just some nb people needing to project some pent up stuff. so we hope you enjoy!

“We’re  _ definitely  _ doing that again.”

Ethan rolls his eyes, moving to collect the camera and put it away. He’s stuck between “absolutely the fuck not” and “yes, constantly forever”, so he just shrugs. “Maybe,” he finally responds. 

He never should have agreed to this video. He  _ swore  _ he wouldn’t do this. And yet, here he is, trying not to look desperate as he rushes to the bathroom to wipe off the makeup he can fucking  _ feel  _ on his face.

It’s not that he  _ wants  _ it off. It’s that he  _ doesn’t _ .

Ethan shakes his head like the thought’s going to fly out, hit a wall, and sink to the floor where no one will ever find it. It doesn’t work.

Ethan tries really, really hard not to hear the disappointment in Mika’s voice as she calls after him, “Aww, you're taking it off already? I thought you liked it!” He hears it anyway, and he actually physically winces at how bad he feels about it. The bathroom feels too far. He needs to get there,  _ now _ .

But when he gets there, and he fumbles past the door frame only to be met with his reflection, Ethan stops dead in his tracks. 

_ This _ is different. It was fine before, just seeing the makeup on the monitor for a split second. But the full image, with the outfit and all, was… too much. Too much in a way that he doesn’t want to be good, but maybe it is.

Ethan wants so badly to tear his eyes away. He can’t.

“Babe? Are you alright?” Ethan catches movement in the mirror, and his eyes flick to follow it, thankful for something to look at other than himself. It’s Mika, poking her head in through the doorway. She looks concerned, and to be fair, she has every right to be.

Ethan’s traitorous eyes flick back to his face, and he finds himself tracing its outline, noting the points where the makeup has turned it more...feminine. Ethan picks up the word and throws it away.  _ It’s not the time _ , he tells himself, despite the fact that it’s obviously the time.

Now  _ that’s  _ the scariest part - not the things Ethan is feeling, but the realization that he can’t avoid them this time. This isn’t the first time he’s felt this. It’s just that this time, there’s no pushing it down.

Ethan doesn’t realize he failed to answer his girlfriend until he’s shocked out of his mind by, “ _ Babe!  _ You’re fucking scaring me.”

Ethan forces his eyes back to the reflection of Mika behind him. She’s much closer now. When did that happen? He studies her face deeply, pretending it’s not so he doesn’t have to study his. Mika’s prone to exaggeration, but this time she wasn’t doing that. She really  _ does  _ look scared.

Despite his best efforts, Ethan’s eyes still drift back to his own reflection. He wonders if he can break the clean glass surface by thinking about it hard enough - that may be the only way he can stop himself from staring at the person in the mirror. 

He says “the person in the mirror” not because it feels like it’s anyone other than him. He says it because this may be the first time it feels like it  _ is  _ him.

“This is right.” He can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth the second Mika places a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Mika, why is this right?”

He waits for the hand to fall away, for the fear in Mika’s eyes to relight, for her to ask him  _ what the fuck he means _ , but none of that happens. Her grip on his shoulder only tightens, and her eyes have faded into nothing but a gentle warmth. Ethan remembers, again, why he loves her. She always knows what’s wrong, even before he does - in fact  _ always  _ before he does - and if she doesn’t look scared, then Ethan knows he doesn’t need to be afraid of any of this either. 

“Go ahead,” is all she says, and the words, too, are gentle, in a way that Mika has never been around anyone else, but always is around Ethan. He sags a little, releasing tension he didn’t know he was holding in his body. His hand absentmindedly moves to sit on top of hers, which in turn only tightens its grip on his shoulders. It’s not a suffocating tightness, though. It’s exactly the opposite, whatever that is.

Ethan doesn’t want to spill, but he does, because when Mika tells him to, he always will. It’s like he’s been given permission to hear his own thoughts. The words are coming out before he knows what they’re going to be. “I don’t look like a guy.”

He doesn’t know what that means - and for once, neither does Mika. She frowns. “Um...yes? No? If you’re having some sort of weird masculinity issue here, I hope I don’t have to tell you ‘wearing makeup doesn’t make you any less of a man’,” Here she overdoes sarcastic air quotes with her free hand, “or some  _ bullshit  _ like that, because-”

“I don’t  _ want  _ to look like a guy,” Ethan blurts out, shocking himself. But Mika doesn’t look shocked, not anymore. She just nods, offering a soft smile that says  _ now I know what’s going on _ . Ethan’s glad someone does, because he still has no fucking clue.

“Okay.” Mika looks thoughtful, like Ethan is a puzzle she has to figure out. She often looks like this, and it’s often true. She looks back to Ethan’s reflection, which he hadn’t even realized he was looking at again, too. He watches numerous questions form and fall apart on her lips before she simply commands, “Tell me.”

And, once again unsure where the words are coming from, he does.

“I didn’t know I was allowed to do this,” he says, words falling into place in his head at the exact same moment they fall out of his mouth. “Not - not makeup, specifically, I just mean…” He searches for words that are hard to find, not because they’re complicated, but because he doesn’t want to find them. “I don’t mean looking like this, you know. I mean b-” His eyes fly wide open as he tries to stop the words from coming out, because he knows they’re true and he doesn’t want to hear it, but he fails. “- _ being  _ like this,” he finishes weakly.

He expects Mika to lead him on, but her eyes say  _ being like what?  _ well enough on their own.

The pieces click into place, and it’s too late to stop it. It’s been too late for a while. It’s just that now, Ethan  _ knows  _ he’s trapped - and his feelings aren’t. “I thought I had one option. You’re a man, or you’re not, you know? No, you don’t know. I mean - not like - you just-”

“I wasn’t raised that way,” Mika finishes for him, and it’s the first she’s spoken in a while, but Ethan barely notices. He just nods.

“Yeah. You weren’t.” His throat tightens, like his subconscious is trying to stop the words from coming, but his conscious (the non-sub kind, he thinks wryly) wins out. “And I think...I think I’m just now realizing  _ not  _ is actually an option too.” He stops, and his heart stops with him, as he realizes what he’s saying. There’s no hiding what this is about anymore. 

“And what’s ‘not’?” Mika asks, the thumb on her shoulder-dwelling hand drawing gentle circles on Ethan’s skin. 

Ethan ignores her, unsure how to answer - or maybe he knows, and he just doesn’t want to. “I look pretty,” he breathes out instead, eyes dancing across his own face, catching the glitter of his eyeshadow in the light, the stark contrast of black eyeliner against his pale skin. It’s so shallow of him to care so much about something like  _ makeup _ . 

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s the deepest thing of all.

“You do,” Mika agrees, nodding like it’s not a weird thing for Ethan to say at all. Maybe it isn’t. “You’re always pretty, though,” she adds, half of an afterthought.

That comment shouldn’t light Ethan up like it does, but he feels like he might be glowing. He cocks his head to the side, watching his skin shimmer with the movements. It’s captivating. He doesn’t realize he’s speaking again until he hears himself say, “Not girl-pretty, though.” After a moment, he adds, “Not boy-pretty, either.” He frowns, like he doesn’t understand himself, which is a lie. In fact, he’s never known himself as well as he does in this single moment. He understands everything - the things he wants to, as well as the things he doesn’t. 

“ _ You _ -pretty,” Mika offers. She’s still smiling, and it warms Ethan’s heart. He nods. 

“Me-pretty.”

There’s a good few seconds of this contented silence, where it feels like all of the problems in the world have been solved, and now it’s just the two of them in this bathroom, and the glowing feeling permeating Ethan’s very existence. And then the light goes out, and the weight of the universe comes crashing down to chase it away.

“What does that  _ mean _ ?” Ethan hisses out, surprised when he sees a tear slip out of his left eye, gently cascading down his cheek. And then another comes. The weight of the universe is still coming, and now it’s squeezing out every tear Ethan’s been holding back, every tear he’s ever  _ almost  _ cried over this and then pushed back deep inside, today and forever. Mika is about to say something, but he doesn’t wait to find out what it is. “I can say all these nice things about  _ me-pretty  _ and  _ being like this  _ and  _ knowing myself  _ and all that shit but I don’t know what it all  _ means _ , Mika, and if I think too hard it just hurts, so I  _ don’t _ , and I spent so many nights not sleeping because I could have cried myself to sleep but I  _ wouldn’t  _ because I can’t think about this, and if I do and I figure it out - if I figure  _ myself  _ out - I’m going to have to  _ know  _ and I just-” He shakes his head, hard. It feels like his brain is slamming against his skull, but it’s better than talking. Finally, he manages to whisper, raw and shaking, “I feel like I’m crazy.”

“You’re not crazy,” Mika responds immediately, like it’s an instinct. It probably is. Her hand is still on Ethan’s shoulder - it hasn’t moved an inch since this started. Her mouth is pressed in a thin line, like she knows what to say but doesn’t know if she should say it. After a moment, she loosens what’s become a death grip on Ethan’s shoulder and, straightforward and gentle, says, “Ethan, I think you’re nonbinary.”

Now  _ that’s  _ the real breaking point, the point where Ethan crumples and tears won’t fucking stop streaming down his face now, dragging down streams of the makeup he was so reverent about a few minutes ago, and if he wasn’t so busy hearing Mika’s words - and  _ understanding  _ them, in a way he doesn’t want to - it would break his heart. Mika is the one who finally tears him away from the mirror, turning him towards her and pulling him into her arms. She’s taken the breakdown as an affirmation, and Ethan is beginning to think she’s right. 

“Okay, babe,” she says, “talk to me.”

Ethan, panicking, doesn’t. 

Mika nods, as if she wasn’t expecting a response anyway. “Alright,” she says, “I’ll do the talking. You’re okay, you know that?” She squeezes once for emphasis. “There’s nothing wrong with you, and I know that’s what you’re thinking right now, but it’s not true. You’re  _ okay _ .” She pulls back, allowing Ethan to drop lower into her grip, face pressed to her chest. “Now, what can I do?” She doesn’t even wait for a reply this time. She must’ve known she wouldn’t get one. “Do you want me to call you a different name? Do you want me to call you ‘they’ or ‘she’ instead of he? Would it help if I fixed your makeup? Do you want to change into more comfortable clothes? There’s some ice cream in the fridge, do you want some?”

Ethan shudders, finally pulling back to look into Mika’s eyes. They are nothing but loving.

One thing at a time. Mika’s just created a list of things to focus on, which is all Ethan needs to function again - or at least to function marginally better than right now.

Ethan takes a deep breath, wanting to take things in order, but knowing the first two are the hardest.

Well,  _ fuck  _ the hardest.

“I like my name.” It’s weak, and it kind of sounds pathetic after the fact, but Mika doesn’t seem to think so.

“I like it too,” she says, giving Ethan a lopsided smile.

Ethan stares levelly back into her eyes, forcing down a churning ocean of  _ don’t think about it  _ to answer, “I don’t like  _ he _ , though.”

“Okay,” Mika nods. “That’s okay.” She pauses, and when Ethan remains silent, she begins, “We don’t have to worry about that right now if you don’t-”

“How does ‘they’ work?” It’s barely a question, the rise in pitch at the end so close to nothing that it’s hard to decide whether or not a question mark belongs after it. Ethan goes bright red the second the half-question is out. “Oh, god, I sound like I’m twelve or some shit. I know how that works, I just-”

“Want to know how it  _ fits _ ,” Mika finishes. When did she get so good at reading minds?

Ethan nods. She’s right, and of course she is.

Mika takes a step back, arms falling to her own sides since the first time since she stepped into the bathroom. “Alright, pretend you’re someone else.”

Ethan snorts, even though it’s not a joke.  _ I feel like I’ve been doing that my entire life _ . “Okay. Sure.”

“And I’m, like-” The mood has lightened entirely. Mika is breaking into a weird sort of snicker, and Ethan can’t help but mirror her smile. “I’m showing you - okay, pretend I’m showing you a picture of you, and you don’t know who you are.”  _ Well,  _ Ethan thinks,  _ that’s pretty easy, too, isn’t it. _

Ethan leans over Mika and stares at the fake picture she’s apparently holding. “Wow, that’s one ugly son of a bitch.”

Mika punches Ethan’s arm and starts cackling - not an exaggeration,  _ cackling  _ \- with laughter. “Shut up, dumbass, you’re  _ not _ -”

“Tell me about this disgusting friend of yours,” Ethan prompts her, only laughing when she delivers a second, harder punch. 

“ _ Well _ , judgemental stranger,” she begins, waving her fake picture in the air, “this just so happens to be  _ Ethan _ . They’re my partner, and they’re the  _ most gorgeous person ever _ , even if you insist on being an asshole.”

The glowing light from earlier is back.  _ Yeah _ , Ethan thinks.  _ Yeah, that’s it _ .

“I think they sound great,” they say, and Mika recognizes what it means. She turns up to grin into Ethan’s face.

“They are,” she says softly, grabbing Ethan’s jaw and pulling in for a quick kiss. “And you know what? I think they’re going to be okay.”

Ethan beams, brushing their finger across Mika’s jaw. “I think they’re going to be okay, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> We're still working on high school unusual, don't worry!! we just needed to write smth else in between so we don't burn out on it aahhdjhsjhd


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